The First Day of School

It's difficult to fully express the joy a single dad feels on the first day of school after a long summer. It's a combination of relief, elation, euphoria and overall happiness. I love my kids and we had some fun this summer. But after three months, I was more than ready for school to start.

To further illustrate how wonderful this day has been, let me describe what I have accomplished so far. After I dropped the kids off at school...I cleaned the house, organized my office, caught up on a backlog of work, picked up an iced coffee at Starbucks, picked up my mail, answered all my email, dealt with an IRS issue, went shopping for some office supplies and updated my blog. And it is only noon!!!

I could give a seminar on organizational and productivity skills. It is amazing what you can accomplish when you have 6 1/2 solid hours to focus. I may even have time to go running through a grassy field turning cart wheels.

So please don't judge me for the joy I feel on the first day of school. It is one of those simple pleasures in life that only an overwhelmed parent can understand. It's kind of like Christmas for adults without the expense, long lines and reindeer.

We Missed You Mom!

I was leaving the gym on Monday morning and I saw this decorated van window. I had to take a picture because I thought it was cute, creative and sweet that those children wanted to show their love for Mom. But I also wanted to point out the stereotype in parenthesis. (Dad's driving us CRAZY)

Here I am...a full-time single dad for the past 9 years trying to prove that I can be a good parent. Then this knucklehead destroys the reputation of dads everywhere when his wife leaves town for a couple of days. :-)

Brad's Boring Blog

Okay...I know when my Mom says my blog is getting boring I am in big trouble. For a long time my Mom was the only person reading my blog. Some people have soap operas...my Mom had my blog. So I know if she doesn't want to read it...my blog must really suck!

But I think I may have identified the problem...or problems that have caused my blog to become so boring. Don't think of these as excuses, but rather an exploration into boredom. Doesn't that sound exciting???

#1 - I started using the Positive Discipline Tool Cards and they really work! Okay..so maybe that doesn't sound like much of a problem, but going through these Positive Discipline Tool Cards has improved my relationship with my children and has created a more harmonious environment in our home. The problem is, who wants to read about how little Johnny did his chores without being reminded. Boring!

Let's face it, drama is interesting. If you can throw in a little crazy into a blog, then you really have a winning formula. One of the most popular blogs in the world is Dooce.com. Don't get me wrong, she is a FABULOUS writer, but she gained much of her popularity when she had a nervous breakdown and spent two weeks in a mental institution (blogging through the entire experience). Now she spends most of her time writing about poop, boobs, and antidepressants...but people love it!

#2 - It's SUMMER!!! I'm sorry, but the last place I want to be on a beautiful Summer day is sitting in front of my computer. We had a looooong Winter this year and it stretched into half of my Spring. So I am celebrating Summer like nobody's business. If you need me, I'll be on the golf course.

#3 - It's SUMMER!!! That means my kids are home from school and they are on me like white on rice! So I am constantly juggling my work responsibilities with trying not to neglect my children.

#4 - I'm boring! That's right...I'm a single dad, living in the suburbs, driving a minivan. It's very difficult to make that sound interesting. "Today I mowed the lawn, took my kids to the swimming pool and then we played a board game before I tucked them into bed." Snooze ZZZZZZzzzzzzz!

Luckily I have found some guys who have managed to make a Dad's Life interesting. Below is their hilarious video. And Mom...I promise to try and add some more interesting content to my blog. The last thing I want is for you to have to resort to watching "As The World Turns".

Venture Into The Mind of a Cat

I'll admit that I am not much of a "Cat Person". I've always been a dog guy ever since I was a toddler. Dogs are such social creatures, fun loving, man's best friend, etc. Cats are aloof, moody and...well...catty. I heard someone put it this way. Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

You may be wondering, if I am such a dog person then why do I have a cat? The truth is, we didn't choose this cat, this cat chose us. About 10 years ago I was playing with the kids at a park near our home. This tiny little kitten about six weeks old came wandering up to us and the kids started playing with it. Pretty soon it was time to leave and we started to walk to our car. Unfortunately this little kitten followed us all the way to the car. I put the kids in the car and walked the cat back to the other side of the park. Then I ran to the car and pulled away. As I was driving away, I looked in the review mirror and there was that little kitten running down the middle of the road after us. I stopped the car, opened my door and scooped the kitten up without even unbuckling my seat belt. I haven't been able to get rid of it since.

But that is not really the point of this blog post. My point is to give you a little peak into the mind of a cat. The inner workings of a cat's brain is very complex and I doubt we will ever fully understand how they think, but I am going to give it a try.

CAT: "It's the middle of the night and everybody is sleeping so soundly. I'm not tired because I spent the entire day sleeping on the couch. This seems like the perfect time for me to "Meow" at the top of my lungs for about 5 minutes straight, or at least until the boss throws a shoe at me."

CAT: "Hmmmmm...that was fun, but now everybody has gone back to sleep. Since the boss was in such a good mood last time I woke him up, I think I will go over there and scratch on his bed post."

CAT: "Okay now THAT was fun! Did you see the boss stub his toe on the corner of the door while he was chasing me out of the room? It doesn't get much better than that."

CAT: "Well it's daytime and everybody is gone. Even though I have been using the litter box my entire life, I think I'll just take a shit right here in the middle of the carpet. I love it when the boss comes home and starts yelling."

CAT: "Wow, they've been gone a long time. I think I will use the litter box this time, but then when I have all that cat litter sand all over my paws, I'll go sit on the kitchen table and look out the window."

Fatherhood

The Parking Lot Poem

When I need to park my car, I don't need to be too far

From the car next to me...about two feet, maybe three

But the parking spaces are so small, I almost have to make a call

To 911 to rescue me, and use the jaws of life to set me free

It's a good thing I don't drive a Hummer, that would REALLY be a bummer

Not only would I be a self-absorbed ass, while finding a space I'd run out of gas

The smallest parking spaces are at my gym, where people go to get more slim

But your workout program won't get too far, if you can't even get out of your car

So parking space painter guy give us a break, open your eyes for goodness sake

All we need is a few feet more, so we don't ding our cars when we open the door

Mid-Life Crisis

A lot of men have a midlife crisis...

Mine just happens to be lasting 20 years and involves driving a minivan! :-)

StrAinge Humbling Experiences

Has this ever happened to you? I was at the gym this morning working out in the cardio area. All of a sudden I catch a whiff of body odor. So I start getting annoyed and judgmental. My thoughts go something like this: "Come on man! I'm trying to workout here!" "Have you ever heard of deodorant pal? Maybe you should add it to the shopping list!" "Geez, this is ridiculous!" Then suddenly I had the horrifying realization... "Wait a minute! That's Me!" To add insult to injury, I was working out right next to my neighbor. I'm sure she was thinking "No wonder that guy's still single! Good Grief!"

Health Insurance

The following is a letter I received from my health insurance company: Dear Brad: Our records show that your upcoming birthday will move your monthly health plan premium to the next age category. As you may already be aware, your premium is subject to age-related changes every five years. Your new monthly health plan premium will be $435.49 effective March 1. Sincerely, SelectHealth Traslation: Happy Birthday...Now Bend Over!!! 

Political Emails

Political emails are annoying at best. But in my view they are the worst kind of spam because these emails are usually forwarded from friends and family. In the history of the internet, has a single political email ever swayed someone into believing that elitist capitalism is the only morally valid political view? Or that socialism is all the rage? No...political emails usually only demonstrate the ignorance of the sender. During the last presidential campaign my inbox was flooded with these political emails. I received the ever popular metaphorical stories that use farm animals to demonstrate a point. Or there are those that supposedly come from a school teacher and use children to play on our emotions. They use flawed logic and inaccurate comparisons to convince everyone that our country will be going to hell in a hand basket if we don't agree with them. Mostly these emails are trying to demonstrate that hard working Americans are getting the shaft because the Democrats are trying to redistribute the wealth. So here's my question...If these Americans are so hard working, how do they have time to craft and forward all of these ridiculous emails. So once and for all let me just respond to every political email I've ever received. 1. Not all hard working people are wealthy. 2. Not all wealthy people are hard working. 3. Farm animals don't work to feed their family and pay the mortgage. 4. Political party affiliation does not define a person. 5. If you have so much time on your hands, run for political office. 6. President of the United States is the most difficult job on earth and I certainly don't want it. 7. If you send me a political email degrading women, minorities, or gay people...I will put you in the bigot folder. 8. Do you really believe fear and hate will ever accomplish anything good? 9. If you are going to send political email, at least make it funny. 10. Spell check and fact check! 90% of these emails are false. Go to www.snopes.com and save us all some time!

The Best of a StrAinge Year

It is common practice to look forward to the New Year. We make resolutions and feel like we have a chance to make a new beginning. That is the reason we all love the New Year. Another common practice is to look at the year in review. So this year I am taking a moment to look at the highlights from another "StrAinge" Year. I often use sarcastic humor on this blog to dramatize the life of a single parent. But the fact is I am very blessed.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2nd Place Finish in the Deer Creek Antler Tournament



Not bad for a couple of hackers!

Attended the 2008 U.S. Open at Torrey Pines



What a thrill it was to be at the 2008 U.S. Open in person. It is magical to watch Tiger Woods play golf.

Missy Higgins in Concert



This was the best concert of the year! Missy Higgins is so down to earth and talented!

Guy's Weekend in Park City



This male bonding ritual has been going on for 18 years and is always one of the highlights of the year!

First Place in Men's Basketball League




Sometimes old guys like to get out there and re-live the glory days. It's all good fun until someone blows our their knee. :-)

The Annual Trip to California



Going to visit my mom at the beach is great! Kids can entertain themselves for hours at the beach.

What The F@#% Are You Talking About???

How do we reverse the trend of vulgarity in this country? I'm not a sociology major and so I'm not speaking as an expert on human behavior, but I don't have to be an expert to realize that vulgar language and vulgar behavior is becoming more acceptable in our society. I know I'm not alone when I say that this trend is not progress, but rather a step backwards for humanity.

I was raised by a gentleman who treated people with respect and rarely used foul language. My father would occasionally use the word "damn" if he hit his thumb with a hammer, but that was the extent of his swearing. So I wasn't exposed to vulgar language in my home.

When I started going to school there was a certain amount of dirty jokes and foul language, but nothing that would make it seem like the norm. I don't ever remember being around people in High School who felt the need to use four letter words as adjectives in every sentence. But now it's impossible to avoid such people. And it's not just the men, I've encountered several women who have the foulest mouths I've ever heard. And since I have children, these women don't last too long before I distance myself from them. The last thing I need is a woman who feels it is appropriate to drop the f-bomb around my kids.

Our children are exposed to so much more these days. A couple weeks ago I noticed that they were televising the movie "40 Year Old Virgin". I'm not trying to play the part of "holier than thou" because I've seen "40 Year Old Virgin" and I admit it was a very funny movie. But it is also the foulest, most vulgar movie I've ever seen and entirely inappropriate for children. In our home I use all the parental blocks available, so my kids would never have stumbled across that movie. But what could possibly be the reason for putting that movie on network television. Is it any wonder our children are growing up to be vulgar adults? What kind of behavior are we modeling by showing that movie? Children are so much more impressionable than adults. My daughter will watch a movie about a "Kung Fu Panda" and be running around the house practicing her Ninja moves.

I've heard the argument from people who say "It's nothing compared to what they will hear in school". But why is that? The kids in school are bringing that behavior from home! If vulgar language is unacceptable at home and not encouraged in the media, our children would not be modeling that behavior at school. If we really want to reverse this trend it needs to start in our homes.

The other day I was picking up my daughter from school and I became frustrated with the traffic in the parking lot. I voiced my frustration and let a four letter word slip. My daughter immediately caught me and scolded me. "Daaaad...you said the s-word!" I apologized...but I was also absolutely thrilled that she was shocked by my foul language. If we have more children who are shocked by foul language then the kids who use foul language will be in the minority. Eventually it will become less popular and nobody in school wants to be doing something unpopular.

I know I may sound like a prude old grandma or maybe even a bit hypocritical since I have done my fair share of swearing in my life. But it is certainly something to think about. Try and notice how vulgar language has become more acceptable. See if you think that is a good thing and then make your own decision. Personally I would much rather live in a world that does not accept such language as the norm. Let's leave that behavior in the locker room and create a more civilized environment for ourselves and our children.

Girls Are Weird

Girls are weird! I've come to this conclusion through my own un-scientific study. Not only have I observed this during my past seven years of dating which pretty much qualifies me for a PhD in the subject. But I have also observed this in the girls that are my son's age. You see my son started Junior High (insert ominous music here) this year...and that seems to be when girls make the transformation from sweet, fun-loving, happy girls and change into..._________ (fill in the blank). We have several of these girls in our neighborhood. These girls used to wave to us when we drove by and say hello when we passed them on the street. They would babysit my youngest daughter. They would come around and sell tickets to their very own choreographed dance performance and set up chairs in their front yard. These girls even invited my son to a princess birthday party and crowned him the prince. But then they started Junior High (insert ominous music here). Suddenly these same girls don't wave anymore. They walk by with their head down looking at their feet. Unless of course they are in a group and then they walk by giggling and snickering. We notice this almost every morning because there is a group of girls on the corner of our street waiting for their ride to Junior High (insert ominous music here). Every morning I wave and every morning they turn away, look at their feet, or turn to each other and snicker. My son and I laugh because it is kind of funny to observe this bizarre phenomenon. I honestly have not figured out what causes this behavior. It must be some deep seeded instinctual gene that has evolved over millions of years. Of course they didn't have Junior High (insert ominous music here) millions of years ago. So maybe it is a relatively new behavior that developed at about the same time the public school system started. I really don't know and I probably never will because it has been 30 years since I attended Junior High (insert ominous music here) and I still haven't figured out the female gender. And based on my track record and recent experiences, I'm sure I never will.

The Lonely Guy

As a single dad I often end up playing the part of "The Lonely Guy". I'm not always a loner, but sometimes circumstances conspire against me and I'm left with the choice of staying home with the kids or going out alone. Such was the case last night. I had tickets to see one of my favorite musicians...Kalai. And for some reason he was playing a concert 10 minutes from my house. This was an event I couldn't pass up. I invited someone to go with me, but due to the bad weather she was unable to make it. My son needed to go to a concert for a school assignment for his guitar class, so I took him with me. The problem is that concerts never start on time and then you have to sit through the lame warm up musicians. So half way through the second local musician my son was ready to go home. My babysitter needed to get home anyway, so I took my son home and quickly returned to the concert...ALONE. I've been to concerts by myself before. Mainly because I love music and don't want to miss the experience of seeing one of my favorite musicians live. But I always end up feeling like that creepy loner guy. Once the music starts I become part of the experience and the fact that I'm alone doesn't matter anymore. But the showing up alone and leaving alone is always a little depressing. I don't know how it is for other single parents. I often wish I was part of some cool group of people like the cast of "Friends" or "Seinfeld". You know...those people that always socialize together and go out together. But most of my friends are married and mormon. Not exactly cool. And you can't call your married buddy and say "Hey, let's go to a bar for a couple drinks and listen to music". Then I have my single mom friends. I love my single mom friends, but you always run into that "When Harry Met Sally Syndrome". You can't really be "just friends"? I can honestly say that I've tried friendship with single women on several occasions and it never works out. I guess since I love music and I'll be a single dad for the next 10 years...I'm destined to be the creepy, middle aged, lonely guy at concerts. If you see me at one of these concerts, don't be afraid. I'm just there for the music and a much deserved break from the life of a single dad.

Cow Tipping

There are a lot of things in this world that confuse me. One of those would be the concept of tipping. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against tipping. In fact, I am what you would call a W.O.T. (Way Over Tipper). But the part that confuses me is who decided what services deserve a tip? When did this happen? Was there a vote? I'm clear on why we tip at the restaurant. The waitress takes our order, delivers our meal, responds to special requests and then shares the tip with the people who cook and clean up. But it gets a little hazy after that. When I get my morning coffee, the Starbucks employee pours coffee in a cup and hands it to me. Does that deserve a tip? And if that deserves a tip then why don't we tip the girl at Home Depot who mixes paint to match our baseboards? Why don't we tip when we check out at the grocery store? What about the clerk who helps us try on shoes? Can you see why I'm confused? Lately I've seen people who are trying to transform their profession into a tip-able profession. There will be a jar with a piece of paper taped to it that reads "Tips". When I look in the jar there is a nickel and two pennies. Don't they know that the key to receiving tips is to convince people that it is a common practice. You need some seed money in that jar. Throw in a couple dollars of your own money to get the ball rolling. If you're feeling real frisky, put a $10 bill in there. My all time favorite tip jar is at an ice cream parlor called Maggie Moo's. My kids love Maggie Moo's ice cream and I like it too. Their logo is a very stylish cow named Maggie Moo. My daughter even won the coloring contest when she turned in her portrait of Maggie Moo complete with earrings. Emma thought a stylish cow like Maggie Moo definitely needed earrings. The staff at Maggie Moos is very friendly, which isn't too surprising because everybody that comes in the store is happy. Who isn't happy when they are about to eat ice cream. I would give these teenagers a tip even if they didn't have a tip jar. But the fact that the tip jar in Maggie Moo's reads "Cow Tipping Encouraged" is all the more reason to contribute!

Kung Fu

"Be yourself and never fear thus to be naked to the eyes of others. Yet know that men so often mask themselves, that what is simple is rarely understood. The dust of truth swirls and seeks its own cracks of entry. And a tree falling in the forest without ears to hear makes no sound...yet it falls."

The kids and I have finished the first two seasons of Star Trek and so we have moved on to another classic series...Kung Fu! The above quote came at the end of the episode we watched tonight. Very profound words for a television series. I doubt much of the message was understood by my children, but hopefully some of this will be absorbed through osmosis...because it is very good.

Snatch the pebble from my hand Grasshopper!

How To Make It Snow

How to guarantee a winter season of record snowfall...

Step One: Buy a snow blower right before a string of winter droughts. Sure you'll be so excited to have your new snow blower that you will start it up at the first hint of snow. You'll wake all the neighbors just to clear off that 1/2 inch of snowfall.

Step Two: Wait! And wait...and wait...and wait. For the big snow storm. But it never comes. In fact, your snow blower has been sitting in the tool shed so long it needs a tune up.

Step Three: Tune up your show blower. Go spend the $60 to have your snow blower tuned-up to clean out all the sludge from the carburetor. Then repeat Step Two: Wait for snow. But for the second winter in a row there is barely a flurry. You're out playing golf in January and your snow blower is sitting home clogging up it's carburetor again.

Step Four: (and this is the most critical step) Don't tune up your snow blower.

And now the stage set for a winter of record breaking snowfall.

Step Five: Buy a snow shovel. The first snowfall hits and your snowblower won't start, so you buy a snow shovel. After all...how hard can it be to shovel a few inches of snow a couple times during the winter. When the first light snowfall hits you cheerfully go out and shovel the driveway waving to the neighbors with a big smile on your face. But then it snows 6 inches. The thought crosses you mind "Maybe I should have taken the snowblower in for a tune-up?" But your pride takes over and you take a stand! "NO! I'm not giving that mechanic another $60 this year!" Although in the back of your mind you know you're too late and that poor mechanic is so backed up with procrastinators that your snowblower wouldn't be done until spring anyway.

So you shovel....and shovel....and shovel!!! It snows so much the city burns through their annual snow clearing budget in the first month! It snows so much the neighbors have a sledding hill in their front yard! It snows so much you check your drivers license to make sure it doesn't say Alaska! And to add insult to injury...every time you shovel the driveway, you have to reach over that snow blower to get the shovel!

So that my friends is how you create a record breaking winter snowfall. Of course next winter I will take my snow blower in for a tune-up and there will be another winter drought. But at least I won't have to SHOVEL!!!

Make Every Day A Happy New Year!

Today is New Year's Day! As I stayed up last night playing games with my kids and waiting for midnight, I was struck by the enthusiasm of ringing in the New Year. There is a feeling of renewal as we let go of the past year and look forward to the New Year with hope and optimism. Unfettered by the past we set new goals. We feel powerful and unlimited in our potential. We feel free to redefine ourselves and reinvent our lives.

So it occurred to me...why wait for the New Year? Why not start every day with the same kind of hope and enthusiasm? Why not approach every day as though the possibilities are unlimited? Why not go to bed every night with the same anticipation of New Year's Eve?

Christine Kane has a wonderful blog post about choosing a "word" for the new year...Resolution Revolution: A Better Way to Start Your Year. Instead of making New Year's resolutions, she recommends choosing a word for the year that will help you focus on the kind of change you are looking for. Words like "gratitude", "courage", "compassion", "abundance", etc.

The past few years I've been following Christine's advice and choosing a "word" for the year. So far the most powerful year was when I chose "gratitude" for my word. Choosing to have an attitude of gratitude for a whole year was amazing.

This year I am choosing the word "New"!!! Upon first glance the word "New" may not seem to have much meaning, but I am choosing to approach each day this year as a new adventure! A celebration full of possibilities! I'm going to let go of yesterday and continually move forward with hope and optimism each day! And hopefully by the end of the year, New Year's Eve won't feel like such a special event. Instead that "New" feeling of a fresh start will be a way of life rather than a once a year ritual.

Happy Holidays???

Today I hung up Christmas lights on our house. I risked life and limb, tore a hole in my jeans, and cut my hand on a broken light! Could someone please tell me WHY do we call this a "Holiday"??? To me the word "holiday" means relaxing on the beach or playing golf. You know..a vacation from the stress and worries of every day life. THAT'S a "holiday"!!! Spending all my money, stressing myself out, and nearly killing myself to hang up Christmas lights...that's not a "holiday"!!! It's not that I don't enjoy the "REAL" purpose behind these holidays. Getting together with the people you love and sharing time together. I guess I just don't enjoy the "RETAIL" part of the holidays. Every holiday has some sort of fabricated meaning that is designed to get us to buy more candy, costumes, fireworks, plastic eggs or flowers. But mostly candy! So why was I up on the roof hanging up lights today? Because my cute little 8 year old daughter said "Daaaaad, everyone has their Christmas lights up EXCEPT for US!!!" Now how could I resist that kind of invitation to experience the joy of Christmas?

POKER NIGHT!!!

Okay that last blog was pretty depressing, so I will try to redeem myself by posting a blog about Poker Night! Last night was my monthly poker night with the boys! It's a ritual we have been keeping up for the past 6 or 7 years. Every month we get together and play cards, eat junk food, call each other names, bust out a few four letter words and just generally have a good time.

This is also my "religious" group of friends. There is no drinking beer or smoking cigars at this poker game. In fact...they aren't even supposed to be gambling. We even got in the habit of calling our monthly poker night "Recipe Club". That way when they are in church they can just say "Don't forget we have Recipe Club this Thursday night". But hey...everyone needs to hang on to a few vices!

There is something about getting together with the guys that allows you to stop taking yourself so seriously. We seem to get great pleasure out of belittling each other on poker night. Nothing is off limits and we just accept that it is all in good fun.

Every month the topic of conversation will come around to my dating life. I am the only single guy in the group and so all my friends want to either live vicariously through my successful dating experiences or make fun of my lack of a sex life. And that's an area where guys love to prove their manhood or destroy their friends' confidence. Inevitably there will also be a reference to one's size or lack thereof. For instance; the ante in Texas Hold'em is called the "Big Blind" and the "Little Blind". Someone will always forget where we are in the rotation and ask "Am I little?" And as if there is an instinctive reaction built into the male DNA, the response will be something like "That's what your wife says". And we don't even have to wait for our friends to cut us down. Sometimes we joke about ourselves as in "Come on guys, someone tell me I'm "Big" because this is the only place I get to hear that". Anything for a laugh!

We talk about sports. We joke about getting old. We quote lines from classic movies. We make fun of the guy losing the most money! We cuss at the guy winning the most money! We stay up way too late even though we all have to get up for work the next morning. And at the end of the night we all thank the host and start looking forward to next month. Thank God for Poker Night!!!