Fatherhood

The Bachelor

After watching The Bachelor last week I was inspired to start dating again. I figure I couldn't do any worse than Jake. I mean seriously...Vienna??? Are you kidding me? I thought pilots were supposed to have good vision?

My blog could use a little excitement anyway. So even though the dating process can be painful and depressing, it does give my mom something to look forward to. She loves it when I date because she doesn't need soap operas or reality t.v. And believe me...The Bachelor drama has got nothing on my relationship drama. Maybe some day I'll write a book, but for now I'll just try and maintain my sanity.

I'm a bit hesitant to do the online dating thing again...although that is the quickest, most effective way to meet women. The problem is that it almost works too good. In the "quantity" category I mean. Quality is another story. But then my mom reminds me of all the nice women I've met in the past, and I guess she's right. The problem is sifting through the "not so nice" to get to the "nice". And don't even get me started on the difference between the online profiles and the in-person reality.

Okay...that's enough of the glass is half empty talk. The point is I am going to get out there and start dating. My daughter keeps telling me that she wants to be the flower girl at my wedding. Then I tell her that I have a better chance of being the flower girl at her wedding. To which she replies "Dad...you can't be the flower girl at my wedding, you have to give me away." She has a point there. :-)

Small Steps

 

Break tasks down to allow children to experience success.

Example - A preschooler struggles to write his or her name:
1) Model correct pencil grip.
2) Work on one letter at a time. You do one and then let your child do one.
3) Teach the skill but don’t do the work for him or her.
4) Children give up the belief that they can’t when they achieve small steps.

This Positive Discipline Tool Card will take a lot of patience. My kids are bit older now, but I still find myself doing things for them because of time pressures. Of course, that is because I didn't take the time to do the Small Steps when they were younger. But I really do like the concept of this tool card. I will be interested to hear from those of you with younger children. I think younger children are the most eager to try new things by themselves. The trick is to allow them the time to take Small Steps.

Special Time Update

I learned this past week that it is important to be flexible about special time with my kids. I had to be flexible on Friday which was the day we had planned our special time. The kids had the day off from school, so I was going to play tennis with Gibson and practice softball with Emma. Then we woke up Friday and opened the front door to this...

 

Not exactly tennis and softball weather. Which actually turned out to be a good thing, because I was having computer problems and I was able to spend the day getting those issues resolved. 

On Saturday the snow had melted enough for Gibson and I to play tennis. That was when I learned to be flexible again. You see...when you involve your children in this process of using the Positive Discipline Tool Cards, they will actually understand the process better than you. When Gibson and I arrived at the tennis courts, we rallied for 10 or 15 minutes. Then I said "Okay...let's play. You can serve." Little did I know that my perception of tennis and Gibson's perception of tennis were completely different. It took me about 30 minutes to figure out Gibson's version of tennis and he reminded me several times "Dad...this is my special time. I want to play fun tennis."

For those of you unfamiliar with "Fun Tennis", let me enlighten you. First of all you are not allowed to call out the score "Love - 15, Love - 30, etc." I learned this early on when Gibson said "Dad...be quiet!" I responded "What?" Gibson said "Stop talking!" I said "I'm just calling out the score." Gibson said "Yeah...stop doing that. I want to play Fun Tennis." Okay...lesson learned. In "Fun Tennis", you do not under any circumstances call out the score.

Then after Gibson served twice and missed, I said "Double Fault" move to the other side. To which Gibson responded "Dad...stop doing that!" I said "Stop doing what?" Gibson said "Stop telling me what to do, this is my special time!" Okay...lesson #2 learned. In "Fun Tennis" you always serve from the right side.

Then it was my turn to serve. Gibson was standing in the middle of the court, so I said "Gibson, you had better move over a little." Gibson didn't move. So I served to the right service court and the ball landed in and then bounced to the fence. Gibson said "Dad...you just did that to prove a point." I said "No I didn't, that is how you play tennis." Gibson said "Dad...I just want to play fun tennis." Lesson #3 learned. In "Fun Tennis", you always serve to the middle of the court.

Finally after several missteps, I learned all the rules to "Fun Tennis" and Gibson and I started having fun. After tennis, I took him to get some food and our special time ended up being a success.

Since the snow hadn't quite melted off the grass, Emma and I decided to go to dinner together at Olive Garden. It was a Saturday night and by the time we got there it was an hour wait for a table. Emma said "That's okay, this is our special time. I don't mind waiting." That made my heart smile and so we waited for a table and had a wonderful time together. 

Just a few final points about special time. As a busy single dad, I found myself looking at my scheduled special time with my kids as just another item to check off my already overwhelming schedule. I realized that I needed to change my attitude about my special time with the kids. Nobody wants to be an item that is just checked off a schedule. It might even help to show our kids that we are excited about our special time together. We could say something like "I can't wait for our special time on Saturday. That is going to be so much fun!" Then our kids will realize that they are much more important than all the other events we have scheduled that week.

Special Time

Schedule special time that is
 different from regular time. 

1) Take the phone off the hook.
2) Take turns choosing an activity 
you both enjoy from a list you have brainstormed together.
3) Age Guidelines:
2-6 years old  10 min. /day.
7-12 - at least 30 min./ week
13 and older - Once a month  something your teen can’t resist.


This is a great follow up to the Family Meetings Tool Card. Your weekly family meeting is a great time to schedule special time for the coming week. We just had our family meeting and discussed this topic. Gibson decided that he and I would play tennis and Emma decided that she and I would practice softball.

Of course we started our family meeting with compliments. I complimented Emma on her performance in the school play and I complimented Gibson on his school work. Then Emma wanted to join in on the compliments and so she complimented Gibson for not bugging her as much this past week. Hmmm...do backhanded compliments count? :-)

I'm not sure I agree with the 13 and older suggestion of "Once a month" for special time. I don't think that seems like enough special time with a teenager. I guess the assumption is that teenagers don't want to spend time with their parents, but I have found that even the most rebellious teenager will go out to breakfast once a week. Most teenagers will not say no to food, especially if they get to pick the place!

I already spend plenty of time with my children. In fact...I probably spend too much time with them. But this is "Special Time" which is different. If I am spending time with both children, there is still that element of competition for my affection. So I will be interested to see if spending special time with each child individually will have an effect on the sibling rivalry in our home.

Family Meetings

Enhance connection and cooperation with weekly family meetings.

Format for the Family Meeting:
1) Compliments and appreciations
2) Evaluation of past solutions
3) Agenda items - person can choose
      a) Share feelings
      b) Invite a discussion
      c) Brainstorm for solutions
4) Calendar: scheduling, meal planning
5) Fun activity and dessert


Since we are meeting as a family each week to discuss the latest tool card, I thought it would be a good idea to choose the "Family Meeting" tool card this week. I think it is important to put some thought into how we format our family meetings. How we conduct our family meetings can make all the difference in the world as to how effective they will be. Dr. Jane Nelsen has a great article about Family Meetings on her website.

From our first experience today, I can tell you that the first step (compliments and appreciations) is the most important. That really seems to set the tone for a positive atmosphere. In fact, my son was moved to tears when I gave him a compliment for being a good friend. Friday evening we attended a school play because he wanted to support his friends that were acting in the play. It turned out to be a great family activity and it was fun to see my son interacting with his friends. So even if you forget a step here and there as you conduct your family meetings...be sure and make it a point to start with the compliments and appreciations.

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS

How is everybody doing with their hugs this week? We are absolutely loving this tool card in our home. On Sunday when I introduced this tool card to my kids, Emma said "Well I'm not hugging Gibson". But pretty soon Emma was hugging Gibson, Gibson was hugging Emma, we were having group hugs...it was an all out HugFest in our home.

Last night my son and I were have a disagreement about something. Suddenly he stopped, put his arms out and said "Dad...Hugs!". We stopped arguing and gave each other a hug.