Hugs - A Single Dad's Perspective

Last week Dr. Jane Nelsen posted the parenting tool of Hugs. I wholeheartedly endorse the concept of hugs and I've had some success in the past with this parenting tool. But hugging is not something that comes easy for me. As a single dad with a son, I can relate to the Verizon commercial below.



My son and I don't go around hugging each other very often, but we manage to show each other that we care in other ways. The key concept is the connection you create with your children. So whether that is a hug or a high five, your children will feel the connection and know that you love them.

Sibling Rivalry from the Perspective of a Younger Child

"Putting Kids in the Same Boat" is the most difficult Positive Discipline principle for me to grasp. Mainly because I had and evil older brother who constantly persecuted me while we were growing up. As a result, I have the perspective of the younger sibling with a victim mentality. I'm sure my older brother had issues he was dealing with such as; being dethroned by a younger brother, feeling less belonging and significance, etc. I don't know if picking on me and establishing his dominance over me ever made him feel better, I just know that if his goal was for me to live in fear...it worked.

So now that I am a parent, I have very little sympathy for the older sibling who bullies the younger sibling. Intellectually I understand the concept of "A Misbehaving Child is a Discouraged Child". I just don't seem to be able to put that theory into practical application.

Below are the suggestions from the Positive Discipline Tool Card "Put Kids in the Same Boat".

Instead of taking sides when children fight, treat them the same.

1) Give the same choice: “Kids would you like to go to the peace table or the wheel of choice?”
2) Show Faith: “Let me know when you have identified the problem and have ideas for solutions.
3) Leave. Fighting will diminish significantly when you stop taking sides-so long as you are having regular family meetings to teach problem-solving skills.

I have never been comfortable staying out of my kid's fights. My mantra has always been "we don't hit in this house". I also don't like abusive language and I won't stand for that either. My son is certain that these rules have been put into place so his younger sister can get away with anything. I know he feels that I favor his younger sister, which is probably true because I can relate with the younger sibling and she is a girl. I am trying to teach my son to treat women with respect.

I can't tell you what would happen if you stay out of your children's fights, because I have never done that. But I have used the method of "treat them both the same". That has worked best for me. If the kids are fighting I will tell them to go to their separate rooms until they can get along. Or if they are fighting over the television, I will turn off the television until they can get along. Regardless of the reason for their fight, I do my best to treat them the same.

The only time I stray from that formula is when I am right there in the same room with them and I witness the entire event. For example, when my son walks by my daughter while she is quietly drawing a picture and just smacks her in the head completely unprovoked. I don't have any patience for that kind of behavior.

I would love to hear how other parents are dealing with sibling rivalry and fighting.

Agreements and Follow Through

Making agreements with children is easy. Following through with those agreements is HARD!!!


Dr. Jane Nelsen explains that children do not share the same priorities as parents. As a parent, my priority is managing the household. This includes such things as laundry, dishes, trash, recycle, vacuuming, grocery shopping and preparing meals. Good heavens!!! No wonder children don't have the same priorities as adults. I don't even want those things to be my priorities! But the fact is...life involves managing the priorities of a household.

During family meetings I will make agreements with my children regarding chores. But my children usually don't follow through. So follow through becomes another one of MY priorities. The problem is, following through with children is more difficult than just doing everything myself. For example, if I am upstairs preparing dinner and the trash can is overflowing because my son forgot to empty it. I can spend 30 seconds emptying the trash can myself or 10 minutes tracking down my son and getting him to follow through with our agreement. I'm sure most parents can relate to this dilemma.

So does that mean we should give up and stop following through with our children? Absolutely not. But when do we get to reap the benefits from our efforts of following through? Based on my experience and observation, the benefits of following through with our children usually takes effect when our children move out of the house.  That's not very comforting right now, but Positive Discipline is based on long-range results.

Occasionally we will catch a glimpse of success when our children surprise us by following through without any reminders. That happens in my home about once a week and those little successes make it all worthwhile and remind me that my children might just make it in this world on their own someday. 

 

Limiting Screen Time

I'm sitting here staring at my computer screen preparing to write a blog post about limiting screen time. My kids are in the other room playing video games. All of you are staring at your computer screen reading this post. What's wrong with this picture?

The fact is...we live in an age of technology. When most of us were growing up, we didn't have computers or cell phones. We did have televisions and I'm sure a lot of us spent our fair share of time watching Gilligan's Island, Star Trek, The Brady Bunch and (_________ fill in the blank of your favorite childhood television show). But we only had five channels. Eventually we got bored of watching TV and found something else to occupy our time.

Do you remember spending all day playing Monopoly? Creating a tiny city for your matchbox cars? Sleeping outside on the trampoline? The Slip 'N Slide? I could go on and on. The point is, we spent a lot less time in front of screens and we found other ways to entertain ourselves.

So why is it so hard to limit screen time today? I had this conversation with my children and my son said "That's because you didn't have all this cool stuff when you were a kid." And you know what? He's right! Video games finally appeared when I was a teenager, but I had to pay a quarter every time I played. It didn't take long to run out of money and then my friends and I left the video arcade and played basketball. But I'm sure if I had unlimited access I would have been like a gambling addict in Vegas. I probably would have never seen the light of day.

Just because our kids have unlimited access doesn't make it right. Or does it? I'm really not sure on this topic. Even though I would prefer that my kids spent less time with technology, they have well rounded lives. My kids both participate in sports at school. They both get straight A's. They have good friends. So why am I so worried about their screen time? Is it just "The Good Old Days" complex?

I've tried having "screen free" weeks in the past and those were the most miserable weeks of my life! I didn't get anything done, my kids were grumpy and expected me to entertain them. They fought with each other more and we all started getting on each other's nerves. I know you would like to hear a motivational success story, but it just didn't happen for me. Maybe that is because we are all screen addicts and those are the symptoms of withdrawal.

The truth is...I don't have the answer on this one. Maybe somebody else can provide some ideas for me or a success story. I'll be staring at my computer screen waiting to read all about it. :-)

Problem Solving with Positive Discipline

As I have been going through the Positive Discipline Tool Cards on a weekly basis, I am starting to find my favorite tools. One of my favorite tools is family meetings. We have been using the Family Meeting Album which helps me stay organized and consistent. Problem Solving is a big part of each family meeting. I find it difficult to problem solve effectively during our hectic weeks, but on the weekend during our family meetings we have more time to brainstorm for solutions.

I have included a sample problem solving page from one of our family meetings. As you can see, it helps to have a format for finding solutions. My daughter Emma was our scribe and both the kids participated in brainstorming for solutions. The following week we followed up to see how the solution was working. Both the kids agreed that it was working and Emma wrote "A++".

Children, Chores and The "Super Dad" Dilemma

This week Dr. Jane Nelsen discussed Jobs and Follow-Through with Teenagers. This really hit home for me because I have teenagers...and I am terrible about follow-through. To be honest, I have always found it easier to be a "Super Dad" doing everything for my kids rather than hassle with trying to get my kids to do much around the house. As long as they are taking care of their responsibilities with school, sports and music, I feel like they are fine.

But are they "fine?" Is it possible that I was robbing them of opportunities to feel capable?

I decided that this might be the case, so at a recent family meeting I suggested a system for handling chores around the house. I made a list of some of the most common chores that need to be done and listed them on a chart. Each day the children roll the dice and the number determines which chore they are responsible for that day. They really like this system because they also have the chance to roll a "6" for a free day.

But the system still requires follow-through on my part. The kids still need to be reminded to roll the dice each day and then I often need to remind them again to complete the chore. But overall it has been a success. And the children seem to be feeling good about their contributions.

Validating Feelings and Positive Time Out

I have been applying the Positive Discipline Parenting Tools for 2 months now. If you have been following along, are you feeling overwhelmed yet? I know I am...and we still have 42 more weeks to go! Yikes!

The good news is...the tools have been working. Family Meetings is my favorite. My kids look forward to our weekly family meeting and they have been great about finding solutions to the challenges put on the weekly family meeting agenda.

Special Time is another one of my favorite parenting tools. I have been putting our weekly special time on my calendar and making it a priority. But I never have to consult my calendar, because my kids remind me. I have been amazed how much they are looking forward to their special time.

The parenting tools for the past two weeks have been Validate Feelings and Positive Time Out.

I have to be honest, validating feelings is not one of my strong suits. I have trouble validating my own feelings much less validating the feelings of my children. Sometimes I will try and draw out feelings from my kids by asking them how they are doing, but I don't get much information from them.

My lack of skill in this area may be an inherent hazard of being a single dad. Men don't grow up discussing feelings with their friends. We spend time playing sports and finding creative ways to put each other down. Sensitivity is not exactly celebrated in the world of men. This is not an excuse, just a fact.

That is why learning tools is that much more important for me. I don't need to fix the feelings my children are having. Instead I can just use language that is validating. Dr. Jane Nelsen recommends statements like "I know how much that hurts." "I can see that you are upset." "That's how I feel sometimes."

I will try practicing these kind of staements this week. Maybe this will also come in handy at my monthly poker night with the guys. When I win a particularly large pot of money, I could say..."I know how much that hurts." "I can see that you are upset." "That's how I feel sometimes." HA! :-)

Positive Time Out is the other tool card that Dr. Jane Nelsen discussed this week. I can see how this would be very useful when my kids are have a bout of sibling rivalry. I have tried this in the past, but it has been in a more punitive way. "Both of you go to your rooms!" This week at our family meeting, I will suggest a more positive use of positive time out. I'm sure when they are starting to bug each other, a few minutes of positive time out would do wonders.

Positive Time Out would also be great for me! I don't lose my cool very often, but I have had my moments. I can think of many times when I have said things I wish I could take back. In those situations a positive time out could have prevented my outbursts. As a parent, I think I might even benefit more than my kids by using a positive time out.