Positive Discipline Tool Card - Focus On Solutions

Instead of focusing on blame, focus on solutions.

1) Identify a problem.
2) Brainstorm for as many solutions as possible.
3) Pick one that works for everyone.
4) Try the solution for a week.
5) In a week, evaluate. If it didn’t work start over.


What a great message we would be sending our children if we could really practice this tool card. Blame usually creates resentment and resistance from our children. I know that I often tell my children what they are doing wrong, but I rarely work with them on a solution. Or better yet, help them brainstorm for a solution on their own.

I think I will post this tool card in every room so I am reminded to focus on solutions during the week. That will be my mantra this week and I will see if it is a more effective way to solve problems.

The First Day of School

It's difficult to fully express the joy a single dad feels on the first day of school after a long summer. It's a combination of relief, elation, euphoria and overall happiness. I love my kids and we had some fun this summer. But after three months, I was more than ready for school to start.

To further illustrate how wonderful this day has been, let me describe what I have accomplished so far. After I dropped the kids off at school...I cleaned the house, organized my office, caught up on a backlog of work, picked up an iced coffee at Starbucks, picked up my mail, answered all my email, dealt with an IRS issue, went shopping for some office supplies and updated my blog. And it is only noon!!!

I could give a seminar on organizational and productivity skills. It is amazing what you can accomplish when you have 6 1/2 solid hours to focus. I may even have time to go running through a grassy field turning cart wheels.

So please don't judge me for the joy I feel on the first day of school. It is one of those simple pleasures in life that only an overwhelmed parent can understand. It's kind of like Christmas for adults without the expense, long lines and reindeer.

Positive Discipline Tool Card - Understand the Brain

When people are upset, they access the fight/flight part of their brains.

1) Do not try to solve a problem when you or your child are upset.
2) Wait for a cooling off period when you can all access your rational brains.
3) In addition to positive time-out, putting the problem on the family meeting agenda (or asking your child to) allows for a cooling off period.

By a show of hands, how many people read the #1 point above and said "Yeah Right". I mean come on...most of us solve 90% of our problems with our children when we are upset. Or maybe I shouldn't say "Solve" our problems, but we attempt to solve our problems when we are upset. So I suppose this is a much needed tool card.

My children tend to push my buttons when we are out doing something and there are time pressures involved. Stopping to cool down is not always an option and therefore my "rational brain" doesn't get involved much. I end up getting completely irrational in the moment. 

So what is the answer when there is not time to cool off or take a time out? I would love to hear thoughts from everybody on this topic. Hopefully we will get Dr. Jane Nelsen to chime in as well. 

On the bright side...school is starting this week! Can I get a Hip, Hip, Hooray!!!

Positive Discipline Tool Card - Back Talk

Don’t back talk back. This creates a power struggle or a revenge cycle.

1) Validate feelings. “Sounds like you are really angry.”
2) Take responsibility for your part. “I realize I talked disrespectfully to you by sounding bossy or critical.”
3) Take some time apart until you both can communicate respectfully.


When I read this tool card at our family meeting today my daughter said "Hey Dad...that sounds like you and Gibson." Guilty as charged! I have to admit that I tend to get into some heated discussions with my son.

In my mind it seems like my son thrives on debating with me. It doesn't really matter what the topic is, he seems to enjoy taking the opposite point of view. But I am sure from his perspective I am just trying to create a power struggle and prove that I am in charge.

Just the other day we were out school shopping. I had to return something at Costco so I said "Hey Kids, let's see if they have any good back to school stuff at Costco." You would have thought that I just asked Gibson if he would like to restock the shelves in the entire store.

"Daaaaad...I hate it when you do this."

"Do what?"

"You always add extra errands when we leave the house."

"Gibson...if walking into Costco is the toughest thing you have to do today, then I would say you have a pretty easy life. Maybe we need to send you to a third world country where you actually have to do something for your survival." (Please note: this is not a Positive Discipline method of communication)

"Whatever!"

"Why do you have to be so negative all the time Gibson? It's not very much fun doing things with you because you are always so negative."

"I'm not negative."

"You are totally negative."

"No I'm not!"

Anyway...you get the picture. I definitely need to use this "Back Talk" tool card with my son. I think the key for me is just validating my son's point of view. "I understand that you don't like running all of these errands. We still need to go into Costco to return something, so I need to you come with me." Then when he reiterates how much he hates these extra errands, I can just validate his feelings again.

I don't need to get caught up in the negativity. I probably would feel the same way if I was a teenager running errands with my family. Even if I didn't have anything better to do, I would probably still be annoyed by the situation.

Why I Love Summer!!!

GOLF

FRIENDS

OUTDOOR CONCERTS

POOL PARTIES

BLOCK PARTIES

HAPPY KIDS

FIREWORKS

FRESH GARDEN PRODUCE

RIDING BIKES

MOUNTAINS

THUNDERSTORMS AND RAINBOWS

Positive Discipline Tool Card - Distract & Redirect

Instead of saying, “Don’t”, redirect to a, “Do.”

1) Remove your child from the TV knobs and redirect by saying, “You can play with the blocks.”
2) Distract by becoming the tickle monster.
3) Take your child by the hand and lead him or her to another activity.
4) Give your child a timer so he can tell you when it is time to leave the park.

Emma's Earth Friendly

It is so refreshing when children take an interest in a worthwhile cause. Emma wants to be an environmentalist when she grows up, so she has decided to get an early start by selling Earth Friendly Back to School products. She will be donating a portion of her proceeds to her school. If you would like to participate in her earth friendly quest, you can visit her website.