Family Meetings

In the past we have been holding family meetings on a fairly regular basis, but the structure has been a bit unorganized. We would usually just look at the calendar for the upcoming week and then plan our meals. I decided to download the Family Meeting Album to help me get a fresh start and I realized that we were missing some valuable steps.

Last weekend as suggested in the Family Meeting Album, we started our family meeting with compliments. I complimented both the kids and then asked if anyone else had any compliments. My daughter said "Yes" and it went something like this.

Emma: "I would like to compliment Gibson for not calling me names this week."

Gibson: "What are your talking about Emma? I just called you a name 10 minutes ago."

Emma: "I meant before that."

Gibson: "Whatever Emma."

I'm not sure if that exchange counts as a compliment, but maybe that is as close as you can get in the teenager world.

I also decided to post a family meeting agenda so we could add items during the week. One morning the kids were having an argument about using the iPod Touch. I asked Gibson to put it on the family meeting agenda. He wasn't too thrilled about that idea, but he put it on the agenda anyway.

Throughout this week I have noticed items showing up on the Family Meeting Agenda. I have also noticed that things have been a little more peaceful around the house. Dr. Jane Nelsen has mentioned that sometimes simply putting an item on the agenda is enough to diffuse the problem. That seems to be the case in our family.

I am looking forward to our family meeting this weekend. It will be fun to see what kind of solutions the kids will come up with. I will let you know how it works out.

How Do You Connect With Your Teenager?

TIME!

Teenagers need your time. I know they say that they don't want your time and they come up with every conceivable excuse to avoid time with family, but giving your teenager your time is still the best way to connect with them and maintain a relationship through those challenging years.

It's true that teenagers don't always want to spend the kind of time that WE want them to spend with us, so it's important to be there for the things that THEY want to do. That means showing up to support them in their world.

I will leap tall buildings to try and be at every sports game, orchestra concert, school play, or piano recital involving my teenagers. Regardless of what the event may be, my attendance is very important to them. They may downplay the importance, but I know they stand a little taller when they see me in the crowd. 

This weekend I spent half of Friday and all of Saturday watching my daughter's volleyball tournament. Her team lost every game and I was there for every point. Every time she ran onto the court, she would peek over at me and smile. She didn't care so much about the score, but she did care that I was there to experience the event with her.

This past fall I attended my first cross country meet. I wasn't there because I suddenly discovered great entertainment value in the sport of cross country. I was there to support my son who was on the team. If you've never attended a cross country meet, let me paint you a picture. About 50 kids line up on the starting line. They fire the starting gun and for the first 100 meters it looks like a store opening on Black Friday. Runners are pushing a shoving their way onto the course. Then you wait...and wait...and wait. About 18 minutes later, runners start crossing the finish line. I began to wonder if I really needed to be there. But after each 5K my son would excitedly come up to me and explain how he ran a personal best time, or how the hill on the 3rd lap was really challenging. I would smile and give him a high five. Then he would run off to be with his friends. 

Today I am sitting in Starbucks writing this blog post and my daughter is sitting next to me drinking a hot chocolate and reading her book. Even though we are not talking, we are connecting. Never underestimate the value of your presence in the lives of your teenagers. It will always be time well spent.

Treat Your Kids Like A Dog

The parenting tool for this week is "Encouragement." My first thought was a quote from Toni Morrison ''Do your eyes light up when they walk into the room?'' That is such an encouraging quote and I decided to focus on "lighting up" when my kids walk into the room. What could be more encouraging than that?

As I thought about how I could accomplish this goal, I noticed how easy it is to light up when my dog Gracie walks into the room. Those of you who are dog lovers know what I mean. When Gracie comes walking into the room with her tail wagging, I get a big smile on my face and I have to give her some love and attention.

What if I treated my kids like a dog I wondered? What would their reaction be if I greeted them with the same enthusiasm? "Emmmmmmmmmaaaaaaa! How's my girl today? You look so cute! Come give me a hug!" So I tried it...and guess what? My kids loved it!

Think about it. No matter how bad your day has been, if somebody greets you with that much enthusiasm, you can't help but smile. And that's what happened. My kids smiled and basked in the attention. Not only that, but I felt better too.

Treat your kids like a dog and you might be surprised how much more joy there is in your home. Who knows...they might even start fetching the newspaper and going on walks with you.

The Art of Listening to Teenagers

First let me say that I have always thought I was a good listener. But then I asked my kids and they said "No way Dad...you're a lousy listener!" What??? So I asked my Mom and she confirmed the fact that I am a lousy listener. Apparently I REALLY need this parenting tool.

I have two very different teenagers. My daughter likes to talk A LOT!!! My son can go all day without saying more than two words to me. (I'm not counting grunting as words) So listening to my daughter involves great focus and listening to my son involves a little bit of mind reading and interpretation.

With my daughter I have been practicing closing my laptop and giving her my full attention. I've learned a lot this week by listening to my daughter. I learned that she got a perfect score on her history test. I learned that YouTube has a lot of hilarious videos. I learned a new magic trick. I learned that she doesn't like Chick-fil-A for dinner. I learned that the kids in her school swear a lot, and she doesn't like that. I learned a joke about a foreign guy who practiced English by watching commercials.

I didn't learn quite as much from my son. But I did try and observe him a little more closely this week. You can learn a lot from teenagers by observing their body language. For example; if my son sighs, slumps his shoulders, and puts two hot dogs in the toaster oven...that means he is not pleased with our choice of dinner. If he comes into the living room and sits on the couch, that means he needs a little time with dad. If he comes home and goes downstairs without saying a word, that means it was a long day at school and he needs to unwind. And if he re-washes his hair three times, that means he needs a haircut.

I'm glad we chose this parenting tool first, because I will be working on it the entire year. Hopefully by the end of 2012 I will be able to ask my kids again if I am a good listener and they will be able to say YES!

In closing, I have included an excerpt from Dr. Jane Nelsen's Empowering Teenagers MP3. I have been listening to the MP3 this week and I found a section on "Closet Listening." I will bring this back in Week 43 when we use that parenting tool, but I thought it was very applicable this week as well.

Closet Listening

Happy New Year!

The New Year is here and it's time to dive into our 52 Parenting Tools in 52 Weeks. But before we start, we need to agree on some ground rules that will make this experience more enjoyable for ourselves and our children.

Rule #1 - Be Patient

We need to be patient with ourselves and our children. Positive Discipline is focused on long-term results. I know from experience that focusing on the "quick fix" will cause frustration and create conflict. There are no shortcuts in parenting.

In her Positive Discipline Parenting Workbook, Dr. Jane Nelsen has an activity called "What Do You Want for Your Children?". Click Here to download a sample from the workbook. This activity will help you focus on the long-term results.

Rule #2 - Be Honest

I think it is important for us to be honest with our experiences. There is strength in numbers and by sharing our struggles we will be helping each other feel less alone. When we share our successes, we will be helping others find solutions.

Rule #3 - Mistakes Are Opportunities to Learn

We are going to make mistakes and our children are going to make mistakes. But it is important to look at our mistakes as opportunities to learn and improve. We are not striving to be perfect parents. The goal is to improve. Let's celebrate our mistakes!

Rule #4 - Have Fun

Let's have fun! Parenting can get overwhelming and sometimes you just need to laugh at the absurdity of it all. I hope this will be a place full of positive energy.

Rule #5 - There Are No Rules

Feel free to improvise. Just because we are going through the parenting tools in a particular order doesn't mean that you can't skip ahead if you need help with an issue at home. In fact, many of these tools work well together, so I would encourage you to read through them all on a regular basis. I think it will be helpful for us to focus on each of them for a week, but that doesn't mean we can't use the other tools at any time.

52 Parenting Tools in 52 Weeks

Starting in January I will be venturing into a journey of self-improvement. Specifically...a journey of improving my parenting skills using the Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Cards. I took this journey once before in 2010 and it helped me stay focused on my parenting throughout the year. I learned a lot from that experience and I am excited to put that new knowledge to work this coming year.

One thing I learned is although I will involve my kids in this process, I won't specifically tell them that I am using new parenting tools. I found the first time around that my son used that information as a chance to sabotage my efforts. I think it will be better this time if I just start using the parenting tools and allow them to be pleasantly surprised when our family life becomes more respectful and loving.

The second thing that I learned is that it is helpful to be reading a companion Positive Discipline Book during the journey. Since my children are teenagers, I will be reading Positive Discipline for Teenagers. If I make a commitment to read a little each day from that book, it will help me stay focused and positive.

The third thing I learned is to be persistent. Sometimes it takes time for children to learn new habits. And sometimes when you think they've got it, they revert back to their old ways. This is just a fact and it takes persistence. Positive Discipline is focused on the long-range results. Some of the benefits may not appear until they go off to college on their own. So we need to allow our children to make a few mistakes and learn the skills they will need later in life.

I look forward to sharing my experiences with you and I hope you will share your comments along the way.

Here is the order I will be following throughout the year:

Week 1 - Listen
Week 2 - Encouragement
Week 3 - Connection Before Correction
Week 4 - Family Meetings
Week 5 - Compliments
Week 6 - Routines
Week 7 - Special Time
Week 8 - Take Time for Training
Week 9 - Validate Feelings
Week 10 - Positive Time Out
Week 11 - Jobs
Week 12 - Mistakes
Week 13 - 3 R's of Recovery
Week 14 - Problem Solving
Week 15 - Limit Screen Time
Week 16 - Follow Through
Week 17 - Agreements
Week 18 - Focus On Solutions
Week 19 - Logical Consequences
Week 20 - Natural Consequences
Week 21 - Teach Children What to Do
Week 22 - Put Kids in the Same  Boat
Week 23 - Allowances
Week 24 - Hugs
Week 25 - Wheel of Choice
Week 26 - Act Without Words
Week 27 - Understand the Brain
Week 28 - Back Talk
Week 29 - Winning Cooperation
Week 30 - Distract & Redirect
Week 31 - Decide What You Will Do
Week 32 - Practice
Week 33 - Empower Your Kids
Week 34 - Motivation
Week 35 - Kind and Firm
Week 36 - Pay Attention
Week 37 - Small Steps
Week 38 - Control Your Behavior
Week 39 - Sense of Humor
Week 40 - Silent Signals
Week 41 - Letting Go
Week 42 - Eye to Eye
Week 43 - Closet Listening
Week 44 - One Word
Week 45 - Show Faith
Week 46 - Break the Code
Week 47 - Avoid Pampering
Week 48 - Anger Wheel of Choice
Week 49 - Encouragement vs Praise
Week 50 - Limited Choices
Week 51 - Curiosity Questions
Week 52 - Mirror

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