I was leaving the gym on Monday morning and I saw this decorated van window. I had to take a picture because I thought it was cute, creative and sweet that those children wanted to show their love for Mom. But I also wanted to point out the stereotype in parenthesis. (Dad's driving us CRAZY)
Here I am...a full-time single dad for the past 9 years trying to prove that I can be a good parent. Then this knucklehead destroys the reputation of dads everywhere when his wife leaves town for a couple of days. :-)
Are your children getting the impression that they are not important?
1) Put down whatever you are doing and focus on your child as though he or she is more important than anything else you could do.
2) Don’t forget to schedule special time. (See the Special Time card.)
3) Remember what Toni Morrison said: “Do your eyes light up when they walk into the room?”
All of these Positive Discipline Tool Cards are valuable, but some of them seem to resonate a little bit more with me. When I turned over this "Pay Attention" tool card it had a profound impact on me. Maybe that is because I see myself in that picture above. Okay...so maybe I don't have blue stripped pajamas, but I can recognize myself in that situation. Even though my children may not have a tear drop running down their cheek, I know they are hurting inside when I continue working while they are talking to me.
This situation seems to be occurring more often because it is Summer. My kids are home every day and I am trying to keep them occupied so they don't spend all day staring at screens. But I also have to make a living and so I am usually busy with work when they come up to me and need my attention. Just the other day my son came into my office and sat down. He started talking to me as I continued to type away on my computer. I was listening to what he was saying, but I wasn't paying attention to him. I don't even think he knew what he wanted to talk about, I could just tell he needed some time and attention. But I had deadlines and a hundred other things to do, so I kept going at a frantic pace and left him sitting in my office with a dejected look on his face.
Now I'm not advocating that we all quit our jobs and spend 24-7 paying attention to our children. Our children wouldn't want that anyway. But when your child approaches you, that is usually a signal that they are needing your attention. My children usually avoid me most of the time, because they are afraid I am going to give them a chore to do. So the fact that my son came into my office and sat down with me was a clear signal that he needed some attention.
Even though I was busy, I could have taken a minute to stop what I was doing and pay attention to him. Then if I he needed more time than I could give him, I could have explained that I was very busy right now and I could have asked him if we could plan some time after work to talk. Then I could have ended the conversation by giving him a hug and telling him that I love him. He would have left feeling so much better about himself and our relationship. Chances are he wouldn't even need to talk later because all he really wanted was a little love and attention.
If you would like to hear an expert talking about Positive Discipline, then listen to this episode of Parenting Unplugged Radio with Glenda Montgomery. Glenda has been teaching Positive Discipline classes in the Portland area since 1999 and she is an excellent communicator. In this podcast Glenda discusses some of the most important aspects of Positive Discipline such as: Kindness and Firmness, Connection Before Correction, Special Time, Chores, Routine Charts, Family Meetings, The Belief Behind the Behavior and much more!
You can learn more about Glenda Montgomery and upcoming workshops by visiting her website.
Too often logical consequences are poorly disguised punishments.
1) Use consequences rarely. Instead, focus on solutions.
2) When appropriate, follow the
Four Rs of Logical Consequences:
1) Related
2) Respectful
3) Reasonable
4) Revealed in advance when possible.
This is such a hard one for parents. We either want to rescue our children from the logical consequence or we want to pile on a little extra punishment so they will learn their lesson. Dr. Jane Nelsen has used the example of a child who spills the milk. The logical consequence would be that the child cleans up the spilled milk. But often parents will clean up the spilled milk for the child while they are scolding the child so they will feel bad for their mistake. Or they will make the child clean up the spilled milk and scrub the entire kitchen floor while they are at it so they will learn their lesson. But if we follow the Four Rs of Logical Consequences, we can respectfully help our children take responsibility for their actions.
Use daily challenges as opportunities to practice problem solving WITH your children.
1) Brainstorm for solutions during family meetings or with one child.
2) Ask Curiosity Questions to invite your child to explore solutions.
3) For fights: “You kids can figure it out. Come back with your plan.”
4) For chores - Brainstorm what needs to be done and invite your kids to create a plan. Be willing to try their plan for a week.
One of the best things to come out of going through these Positive Discipline Tool Cards is the process of involving my children. Not only are they much more capable than I give them credit for, but it can be very entertaining to see their perspective. Check out the notes that Emma took during our family meeting today.
Okay...I know when my Mom says my blog is getting boring I am in big trouble. For a long time my Mom was the only person reading my blog. Some people have soap operas...my Mom had my blog. So I know if she doesn't want to read it...my blog must really suck!
But I think I may have identified the problem...or problems that have caused my blog to become so boring. Don't think of these as excuses, but rather an exploration into boredom. Doesn't that sound exciting???
#1 - I started using the Positive Discipline Tool Cards and they really work! Okay..so maybe that doesn't sound like much of a problem, but going through these Positive Discipline Tool Cards has improved my relationship with my children and has created a more harmonious environment in our home. The problem is, who wants to read about how little Johnny did his chores without being reminded. Boring!
Let's face it, drama is interesting. If you can throw in a little crazy into a blog, then you really have a winning formula. One of the most popular blogs in the world is Dooce.com. Don't get me wrong, she is a FABULOUS writer, but she gained much of her popularity when she had a nervous breakdown and spent two weeks in a mental institution (blogging through the entire experience). Now she spends most of her time writing about poop, boobs, and antidepressants...but people love it!
#2 - It's SUMMER!!! I'm sorry, but the last place I want to be on a beautiful Summer day is sitting in front of my computer. We had a looooong Winter this year and it stretched into half of my Spring. So I am celebrating Summer like nobody's business. If you need me, I'll be on the golf course.
#3 - It's SUMMER!!! That means my kids are home from school and they are on me like white on rice! So I am constantly juggling my work responsibilities with trying not to neglect my children.
#4 - I'm boring! That's right...I'm a single dad, living in the suburbs, driving a minivan. It's very difficult to make that sound interesting. "Today I mowed the lawn, took my kids to the swimming pool and then we played a board game before I tucked them into bed." Snooze ZZZZZZzzzzzzz!
Luckily I have found some guys who have managed to make a Dad's Life interesting. Below is their hilarious video. And Mom...I promise to try and add some more interesting content to my blog. The last thing I want is for you to have to resort to watching "As The World Turns".
Use the Mistaken Goal Chart in any Positive Discipline book.
1) Choose a behavior challenge.
2) Identify the feelings you have and how you react.
3) Identify the child’s reaction when you tell him or her to stop.
4) Use chart to identify what belief may be behind your child’s behavior.
5) Try suggestions in the last column of the chart to encourage behavior change.
The Mistaken Goal Chart is a very valuable tool that will help you understand the belief behind your child's behavior. Often as parents we spend most of our time dealing with the visible outward misbehavior of our children, which can be very frustrating. But if we can address the root of the problem, it is amazing how quickly the child's behavior will change.
Take time this week to notice how YOU are feeling when your child is misbehaving, then refer to the Mistaken Goal Chart to find a solution.
