The Joys of Parenting

I realize that sometimes I complain too much on this blog. It can be so therapeutic to talk about the trials and tribulations of parenting and if I get it all out on my blog, my kids don't have to hear it. But today I would like to point out one of the joys of parenting.

My son had a piano recital last night and he did an awesome job! One of the greatest joys of parenting is watching your child succeed after weeks of preparation. Although getting to that point is not always a joy. Those of you who have children that are involved in piano lessons know all too well how difficult it can be to make sure your child actually practices the piano. In fact, just a couple of days ago my son was not prepared for his piano recital. But after we had a discussion about the importance of being prepared and we also had some frustration, tears, and I'm not proud to admit some threats of calling his piano teacher and canceling his appearance at the recital...Gibson took it upon himself to practice very hard the past couple of days. Below is the result of his preparation and I couldn't be more proud of him. :-)

Developmental Stages of a Child

First of all I would like to put a disclaimer up front that I am not a psychologist so what you are about to read is completely unscientific. But it is based on the life experience of a single dad, so there is some validity here.

If you have read my blog, it may seem like I have a prejudice against teenagers. There is probably some truth to that, but I feel like I need to defend my position. To do that I will be discussing the development stages of a child. 0-2 years, 3-5 years, 5-12 years, and TEENAGERS!

0-2 years is probably my favorite age of a child. Even though it starts out with those sleepless nights and all the diapers, babies are so cute and fun. It is easy to make them smile and they are just starting to form words. Of course most kids will say "Dada" as their first word, which just confirms why I love this age so much.

But that doesn't last long because then comes the "Terrible Twos"! A catch phrase like that doesn't just appear out of thin air. Years of parental experience go into coming up with a phrase like the "Terrible Twos". They call it the Terrible Twos because this is about the time that kids learn the word "NO!" But they don't have a grasp on the rest of the English language so "NO", "Mine" and "Screaming at the top of their lungs" are about the extent of their vocabulary. This makes it impossible to reason with a 2-year-old. Just try to explain to a 2-year-old why climbing around on the ground under the table at Denny's is not a healthy activity. All they want is to get that crayon they dropped. Then instead of coloring with the crayon, they eat it! This developmental stage lasts from about age 2 to 5 and is the primary reason most Dads work overtime and take a lot of business trips.

Then mercifully children reach the age of five and have finally grasped enough of the English language that you can actually reason with them. They understand that Santa will leave a lump of coal in their stocking if they are not good. You can go five years on that explanation alone. And this is also the age when children begin to see their fathers as some sort of super hero that can leap tall buildings and unlock the mystery of riding a two wheel bike without training wheels. If you have a child that is between the age of 5 and 12, relish this time, because the next developmental stage is TEENAGER!

I don't really understand Einstein's theory of relativity or the notion of time travel, but somehow teenagers revert back to the developmental stage of the "Terrible Twos". It is as if they have just learned the word "NO!", but have very little comprehension of the rest of the English language. Trying to reason with a teenager is not much different then trying to reason with a 2-year-old. And forget about the super hero image. You have now been demoted from super hero to circus clown. You can almost hear that circus music playing in the background as you interact with your teenager. But circus clown is not the only circus act you will perform. You also get to be the lion tamer, tightrope walker, juggler, and mind reader. And of course your teenager plays the part of the ring master.

The reason I am bringing up the topic of the developmental stages of children is because of the Positive Discipline Tool Card this week "Allowance". I was very excited to introduce this tool card at our family meeting. I even wrote in my previous post that this might earn me a father of the year nomination. So I kept the card hidden to I could reveal it during our family meeting like a magician pulling the ace of spades from the deck. So I had my daughter do a drum roll on the table and "TADA!" this week's tool card is "Allowance"!

My daughter let out a "Yay!" (which I considered an appropriate response to allowance) But my teenage son said "We don't need an allowance, what we are doing is fine." Huh??? The ring master doesn't like the allowance tool card? Perhaps if I swallow a sword or breath fire he would be impressed? Suddenly I'm back at Denny's trying to get him off the floor and to stop eating the crayons.

In closing here is a short video in honor of all the parents of teenagers out there!

Allowances

Allowances can be a great way to teach children about money.

1) Avoid connecting allowances to chores (although children may choose to earn money from selected larger jobs).
2) Allowance amount depends on your budget and what you expect children to do with the money.
3) Let children learn from their mistakes in spending their money. Show empathy and avoid rescuing.


Finally a Positive Discipline Tool Card that will earn me a father of the year nomination! My kids are going to LOVE this tool card. Currently we don't have a system for allowances. That's probably because my kids don't need anything. Their basic childhood needs have been provided for. (A television, Wii and computer)

Although we do have a system in place for my kids to make money. Now that my son is thirteen, I have stopped paying for a babysitter and instead I pay my son to babysit and my daughter to be good. It is not uncommon for my kids to come up to me and ask "Dad...when are you going out again? I need a new video game."

But I like the idea of allowances for a few reasons.

1. My daughter is starting to take an interest in fashion. Last week we went shopping at Justice Just for Girls. (Which is a great place to shop with your daughter and I highly recommend it.) But those adorable fashion choices can add up. I like the idea of allowing my daughter to start budgeting for her wardrobe using an allowance.

2. When kids have their own money, you can start teaching them about investing. I wish someone had taught me about investing when I was young. I would have bought 5,000 shares of Apple in 1980 and would be celebrating my early retirement right now.

3. Paying my children an allowance will spare me the Lemonade Stand experience. Any of you who have ever had your children beg you to help them with a Lemonade Stand know what I am talking about. It's kind of like Play-Doh. It's fun for kids, but parents have to do all the work of cleaning up.

4.  College Fund!

5. By the time my kids get their driver's license, they will be used to budgeting and paying for things themselves. So they will probably want to start working to earn their own money.

Positive Discipline Tool Cards App for iPhone, iPod touch, and iPad Now Available!!!

I'm so excited to announce that the Positive Discipline Tool Cards iPhone App is now available on iTunes. This is a great resource for those of us using the Positive Discipline Tool Cards. Now you can have all 52 Tool Cards with you wherever you go.

There is a "Shake" feature which allows you to shake your iPhone and shuffle the deck of cards. You can sort the cards randomly or in alphabetical order. You can also view an alphabetical listing of all 52 tool cards. There will be updates coming soon with links to articles and videos pertaining to the Tool Cards.

Be the first one on your block to have the Positive Discipline Tool Cards App! And then tell everybody on your block! :-)

Quarterly Report

Today's Positive Discipline Tool Card is:

Long-Term Results

Focus on Long-Term Results

When you use “discipline,” consider what your children are learning from your methods. Are they learning communication skills, problem-solving skills, social interest, to feel capable? Or are they learning that the one who has the most power can treat others disrespectfully?


I thought this would be a good time to take a look at the tool cards I have chosen the first quarter of this year and review how well I have done with them. It will also be a chance for me to renew my commitment to improving my parenting skills. So let's get started.

Week One - Routines

My daughter really thrived under the system of routine charts. She was very motivated to create her own routine chart and has now memorized her routine so well, she no longer needs the chart. My son has resisted this every step of the way. During our family meeting this morning we discussed routine charts. Gibson said "I don't need a routine chart. You can just remind me every morning and eventually I will do it without you reminding me." Okay...so clearly he isn't grasping the point of a routine chart. I challenged him to come up with his own method of creating a routine. I will be following up with him to see what he comes up with.

Week Two - Listen

When I asked my children if I was doing a good job with my listening, they both shouted in unison "NO!". I guess I could use improvement in this area. My daughter pointed out that just yesterday she said "Dad, Dad, Daaaaad, Dad" before I finally acknowledged her and listened. I think a big key to this tool card is stopping what I am doing, so I can focus my attention on my children. Even if I am listening while I multitask, they don't perceive that I am listening.

Week Three - Encouragement vs Praise

I was listening to Parenting Unplugged Radio the other day, and Laura quoted Jane Nelsen as saying "Encouragement is the main course and Praise is the dessert." In other words, we don't need to completely give up Praise. I can still give my daughter or son the occasional "Great Job" and then maybe afterward I can ask them "How did that feel to hit the ball so well in your game today?"

Week Four - Limit Screen Time

We have completely failed on this tool card. The NCAA Basketball Tournament can take part of the blame for this, because I didn't set a very good example of limiting screen time. And then of course, The Masters coverage started the following week. But I also get so busy that I am happy to have the television keep my kids occupied. But we are making a new commitment to try and limit screen time. For the next month, we are going to try and use a time stamping method. So the kids can clock in and clock out for their screen time. This may not limit screen time, but at least we will have a good measurement of how much screen time we are using.

Week Five - Put Kids in the Same Boat

I still struggle with this tool card a bit. When my daughter lets out a blood curdling scream from down in the basement, I can't help but rush down there to see if she has just been attacked by the creature from the black lagoon. Of course when I get there I find out that the blood curdling scream was caused by her brother taking the T.V. remote. Not exactly a threat to our national security. So I believe this tool card can be effective if I use it. I just need to be consistent and realize that 99.9999999% of my children's battles can be solved without my assistance.

Week Six - Validate Feelings

First let me explain how guys validate feelings. When we are on the golf course and somebody is upset about hitting a bad drive we validate his feelings like this "Nice drive Jim...does your husband play golf too?" My point being, guys are not very good at validating feelings. In fact, we thrive on finding new ways to belittle each other. But I realize that I need to be able to set that testosterone aside when dealing with my kids and their feelings. That's why I like the next tool card so well because I don't need to say anything except "How about a hug?".

Week Seven - Hugs

This has become a favorite in our family. We are giving hugs all the time now and it really does work.

Week Eight - Family Meetings

If nothing else, going through the Positive Discipline Tool Cards has helped us have consistent family meetings. That has been a big help to our family and my kids actually look forward to our weekly family meeting.

Week Nine - Special Time

I cannot emphasize enough how important this particular tool card is to my kids. In our family meeting today when I mentioned this tool card, my kids let out a cheer of approval. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate. This week I am taking each of my children out for ice cream. The weather has finally improved and they both like that idea. Having that one on one time is priceless.

Week Ten - Small Steps

To be honest, I haven't really found a way to use this tool card yet. It is really targeted more to younger children. But I believe it can be helpful with older children as well, I just haven't used it much.

Week Eleven - Encouragement

A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water. Need I say more?

Week Twelve - Winning Cooperation

This tool card works best when combined with the "Listen" tool card and the "Curiosity Questions" tool card which we haven't gotten to yet. Although I think Tiger Woods is an arrogant ass, the commercial below is very powerful. It captures the very essence of this tool card.


Week Thirteen - Decide What You Will Do

I think I do this on a regular basis without even realizing it. It is a big part of the respectful nature of Positive Discipline. We can be respectful to our children and respectful to ourselves when we use this tool card.

Week Fourteen - Control

Control your own behavior and set an example for your children. This is pretty self-explanatory and reminds us that we still need to be the adults in every situation.

Week Fifteen - Teach Children What To Do

This tool card takes a little bit of creativity. It is so much easier to say "Don't do that!" than it is to think of an alternative. I love how comedian Brian Regan illustrates this point.

Positive Discipline Tool Card - Teach Children What To Do

Instead of telling young children what NOT to do, teach them what they CAN do.

1) Instead of, “Don’t hit,” teach, “Touch nicely,” and demonstrate.
2) After teaching, remind by asking,  “How do you touch nicely?”
3) Teach about throwing the ball outside. Then remind by asking, “Where do you throw the ball?”
4) Instead of, “Don’t touch the lamp,” say, “You can play with the pans.”


Okay parents with young children...this tool card is for you. I guess this could work for teenagers, but you might have to just reverse the statements since teenagers tend to do the opposite of what you say. So instead of "Please don't bug your sister." say "You should bug your sister more often because that really makes me happy and brings such a positive spirit into our home." Or instead of "Please clean your room" say "I really like what you've done with your room. Maybe we could start spending all of our family time in here?"

Positive Discipline Tool Card - Control

Control Your Own Behavior

Parents and teachers must learn to control their own behavior
before they can expect children to control their behavior.

Take some positive time-out yourself (breath, count to 10, go sit in your favorite chair—or whatever it takes for you to feel better so you can do better).


I am looking forward to focusing on this tool card. I had a discussion with Dr. Jane Nelsen yesterday about my difficulty communicating with my teenager. In my mind it seems like Gibson is just trying to stir up controversy and start arguments. I even went as far as to suggest that Gibson join the debate team at school so he could get all that arguing out of his system.

But then Jane said something to me that really hit home. "It takes two to argue."

Uhhhh...that's a pretty good point. In fact, I didn't have a response for that. Talk about a debate ending statement. Then she suggested that I just use questions to allow Gibson to explore his ideas without engaging in an argument. 

The other day I was fixing breakfast and Gibson announced that we needed to replace the banister on the stairs because it didn't seem too sturdy and he was worried that it would break when he leaned on it. Since my kids not only lean on the banister, they often practice gymnastics moves on it, my immediate thought was "Then don't lean on it!"


Now just because that was my initial thought, doesn't mean I have to say that. Right? But often I don't have much of a filter between my thoughts and my mouth, so what I said was "Then don't lean on it!" Then Gibson said, but what if I forget and just lean on it like this. (and he demonstrated leaning on the banister) Then I said "Don't lean on it!" By that time Gibson was in full debate mode and was about to argue the Pythagorean theorem as it relates to banisters. But I didn't even let him get that far and I said "D. O. N. apostrophe T lean on it!"

Now let's rewind a bit and see how that discussion could have gone if I would have just taken a deep breath, pushed my initial thoughts aside and just explored the possibilities with my son.

Gibson: "Dad, we need to replace this banister because I am worried it will break when I lean on it."
Dad: "Oh, tell me more about that."
Gibson: "Well, it doesn't seem very sturdy."
Dad: "Hmmm...what do you think we could do about it."
Gibson: "We should replace it."
Dad: "How much do you think that would cost."
Gibson: "I don't know."
Dad: "Well, maybe you could check into that for me."

This may or may not put an end to the topic of replacing the banister. It depends on how much Gibson is invested in this notion. My guess is he probably would have let the topic drop and would not have brought it up again. (By the way I did checked the banister and it is extremely sturdy despite the fact that my children like to lean and swing on it.)

But let's also explore the possibility that Gibson was really invested in his idea of replacing the banister and follows through finding out how much it would cost. Maybe he finds out it would be $1,000. That's when I could say "Wow that's a lot of money. I can't afford that, would you be willing to save your money to replace the banister?"

Case closed, end of discussion.