Now that I have ventured into the world of online dating, I am beginning to remember why I stopped online dating the last time. It's not that online dating doesn't work, it's that online dating works too well. If my dating life was left to the old fashioned way of dating, I might meet one person every six months. I don't mean date one person every six months, I mean meet one person every six months. Then I would probably say something stupid, she would look at me and think "this guy is kind of weird" and we would part ways. Then it would take me another six months to muster up the courage to make a fool of myself again.
But in the world of online dating I can browse through thousands of profiles and meet two or three women a week. And it doesn't matter if I'm weird, because everybody in the online dating world is weird. The hardest part of online dating is not meeting people, it is being selective. On Match.com they have devised a system to help you be selective. As you search through the profiles, you have the option to delete profiles and they will no longer appear in your search results. I have taken full advantage of this feature and so far I have deleted 10,000 profiles. Can you grasp the magnitude of that number? It means I have found 10,000 single women within a 50 mile radius who are not a match for me. Did I mention I have been single for 9 years? Are you surprised?
But before you label me as too picky, you have to understand that the online dating world is the land of misfit toys. Most of us have been married at least once and we all have our fair share of baggage. Since I have been doing this online dating thing on and off for the past 9 years, I have become very adept and recognizing certain characteristics very quickly. Which brings me to something I like to call "We might not be a match." It goes something like this:
1. If you've posted pictures of your cats on your profile "We might not be a match".
If you're a woman in your 30's or 40's, it's probably not a good idea to advertise that you have more than one cat. I delete these profiles faster than you can say "Cat Lady"?
2. If you list your hobbies as hunting and field-stripping a deer "We might not be a match".
Don't get me wrong, I think Larry The Cable Guy is very funny...I just don't want to date him.
3. If you are a 26-year-old woman who is looking for men age 45-75 "We might not be a match".
Most of these profiles have been posted by bald guys living in their parent's basement trying to make a living through shady spam tactics. Trust me...there is no such thing as a 26-year-old woman looking for men 45-75.
4. If you can't spell and don't got good grammar "We might not be a match."
This one is so puzzling to me. When you type your profile information there is an automatic spell check that highlights all the misspelled words. So if a woman has misspelled words and bad grammar it is a HUGE red flag. How do you spell delete?
5. If you are showing more cleavage than Pamela Anderson "We might not be a match."
Don't get me wrong, I like cleavage as much as the next guy. But unless you are auditioning for Baywatch, it is not very appropriate to flaunt your cleavage to complete strangers on a dating site. Especially if said cleavage has a tattoo. Nothing says class like a tattoo on your breast.
Those are just some examples that account for the 10,000 deleted profiles. Of course some of those 10,000 deleted profiles would be the women who never responded to my emails. I guess they have their own "We might not be a match" list.