How To Tell If You Are A Stressed Out Single Dad

Step One: Check in the mirror for gray hair.

Step Two: If you have experienced 5 or more of the following scientifically proven indicators you are officially a stressed out single dad. I have personally experienced ALL of them!!!

1. You drive away from the gas station with the gas pump still attached to your gas tank.
2. Your kids are involved in Piano Lessons, Karate, Basketball, Dance, and Scouts. ALL IN THE SAME DAY!!!
3. You have frequent heart palpitations.
4. You can quote lines from every Disney movie made in the last 10 years.
5. Grocery shopping ALL BY YOURSELF is the most satisfying part of your week.
6. You TiVo the Oprah Winfrey Show.
7. You can do laundry and dishes in your sleep...and you often do.
8. You log more miles than a New York cab driver.
9. You have the school calendar memorized, but your personal calendar is empty.
   
10. You go to the dentist for a root canal and it is the most relaxing part of your day.

When a Single Dad Goes Out of Town

Have you ever wondered what it's like when a single dad goes out of town and leaves the kids and pets behind with a babysitter? Well...since I just returned from a trip to Colorado to attend the Green Festival, I have recent experience with the chaos that ensues the moment I leave town.

First of all, I often get calls from my kids when I leave town. Sometimes if I can't get to my cell phone right away my children will leave an elaborate message that last about 3 minutes. Once when I was on a golf trip my son called and left a message that went something like this.

"Dad, I can't get into the house because me and my friend came back from his house and I forgot my key. So we tried to pick the lock with a twig, but the twig broke off and now the key won't work. So we went around to the back yard and tried to get in through one of the windows, but the window was locked and now the screen is broke. But we finally found an open window, and you know those big blue barrels in the back yard? We climbed on one of those to get in the window. So I was able to feed the cat and get out through the front door, but now we can't lock the door. Hope you're having fun on your golf trip! :-)

Are you starting to get the picture?

About two hours ago I arrived home from my most recent trip. This is what I found.

1. The cat used the basement carpet as her own personal litter box.

2. The kids fell asleep and forgot to let the dog out and so he peed in my son's room.

3. The cat coughed up a hair ball in my daughter's room.

4. The kids left some food out and the dog decided to do a version of the Irish River Dance on our new kitchen table.

5. The kids (who know there are no drinks allowed in my office) spilled chocolate milk on the carpet.

6. Nobody did the dishes while I was gone and so when I served chicken noodle soup for dinner, I realized that there were no clean spoons and I had already started the dishwasher. So I got creative and had the my daughter eat with a large serving spoon and my son eat with an ice cream scoop. My daughter was so amused by the sight of my son eating with an ice cream scoop that she burst into laughter spitting her chicken noodle soup across the table in my son's face and causing a reaction not unlike what you would expect if he had been hit by sulphuric acid.

Ahhhhh...there's nothing like a nice little vacation from home to unwind and relax.